You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
