So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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