Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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