last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
