I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
