I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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