Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
