her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize