So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
