i already hear my dad disowning me
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
