Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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