you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
