ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
