12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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