Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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