You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
