so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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