remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
