so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
