She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
