Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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