So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
