captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
