Im at strip club and am horny
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
