we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
