You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
