I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
