paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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