So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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