My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
