She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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