I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
