Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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