her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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