she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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