If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
