Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
