Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize