Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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