i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
