He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
