You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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