someone get that fucking seahorse.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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