i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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