i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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