i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
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