when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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