Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
