I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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