Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
