I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
