Are we in a gay sports bar?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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