so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
