you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize