the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
