At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
