he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
