hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't turn off my feet"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize