This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
