im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize