i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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