I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
