I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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