His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
