the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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