ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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