I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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