oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
