Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
