someone get that fucking seahorse.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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