so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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