the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
