i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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