Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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